Satirical Remix

Arguably one of the most infamous Presidents of the United States, Bill Clinton, was criticized in the courtroom and on television, slandered in the tabloids and gossip amongst housewives, and idolized by men everywhere for his sex scandal involving Monica Lewinski. People have speculated from every angle what would push a married man, a family man, to go to such extremes as to receive a BJ from only a moderately attractive, young intern. Now, thanks to the investigative reports of ‘Spy’ magazine, we have an answer to the question that has baffled millions: Hilary is, in fact, a transvestite.
Although it is a shocking discovery and a whole lot to take in, if you really think about it, the pieces of the enigmatic puzzle that is Hillary fit together nicely. Her steely demeanor, heavy, man-like jaw and heavily botoxed face, synthesized voice and bulging eyeballs: sure signs of hormonal overdose and cheap surgery. Many questions can be raised from this unnerving fact, such as: Why has Hilary kept this a secret? The obvious answer is: she doesn’t want to risk losing the Presidential race. Although she may still have a fighting chance, given the fact that she is a liberal Democrat, she risks losing points with the more straight-laced voters.
Hillary has done her part, however, to eliminate a few tax penalties, which she deemed frivolous, such as the marriage penalty. Suspicious. Perhaps Bill is getting to the end of his rope, married to a power-crazed, political he-she. A lot of pressure has to be building on him now that the secret is out, and Hillary doesn’t want to get hit by both a divorce and taxes, the former is quite enough.
Truly a woman stuck in a man’s body, Hillary wants to raise taxes (to accumulate approximately 200 billion dollars) supposedly for a “healthcare plan”. What this money really is going towards is a full sex-change operation and, hopefully, full facial reconstructive surgery. To be a transvestite is fine, but to charge millions of people to pay for your own selfish desires is just plain wrong.
Hillary has also stated that she is more of a ‘centrist’ than a straight-up democrat, which better fits her gender situation. She is also now supporting the middle-class man, small town and blue-collared to the core, when just 12 short years ago she is quoted telling her husband, “Screw ‘em”. Why this sudden jump to the middle? She wants to blend in like a chameleon, be just your Average Joe (literally), and have it appear as if everything is perfect and average. This is a good move for someone whose dirty little secret is going to make for one big political uproar.
Her recent war-mongering on January 18th, while she was giving a speech at Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School, also cause eyebrows to be raised considering that she has been more than vehement in her views of getting out of Iraq. The crazy, flip-flopping stances she’s taken, along with the bulging eyeballs mentioned before, are clear signs of hormonal unbalance, possibly overdose. One part of her wants to be the caring, reasonable woman and get her troops home and away from the senselessness of this war; the other, testosterone driven side wants nothing more than to expand this siege of the Middle East towards Iran.
Hillary’s notable political mantra “there are no quick and easy answers”, we now know was taken directly from her private life, which ruminates all to literally back to the old phrase “Politics are personal”. Is America, which is currently in a state of social, economic, and political unrest, really ready for a leader who is a big ball of estrogen-induced, sexually confused crazy? Or is now the time for the sexually taboo to step forward into the limelight and take charge politically, gain respect socially and break the stereotype that transvestites are ‘weird’ (although Hillary wouldn’t exactly be the poster-child for normal transvestites). Only votes and time will be able to tell, until then America will have to wait in suspense, either way we will end up with a radical new president, the likes of which has never been seen before: a Black president, or a gender-confused one. No matter the outcome, however, Hilary will always be the man and ‘wear the pants’ in her marriage (until the money for that surgery comes in).


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